Good and bad days #mentalhealth

IF YOU DO NOT LIKE READING OR TALKING ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH OR IF IT IN ANY WAY TRIGGERS YOU NEGATIVELY, PLEASE BE STRONG WHILE READING THIS.

Also, this is a messy post, but I don’t want to edit anything in it, as it also reflects on my own mental health issues.

May is Mental Health Month and this is something that is very important to me.

I think it’s good to talk about mental health of any kind.

I’ll be the first to talk about it here; I suffer from heavy anxiety and depression.
It’s so bad that some days, even though I am able to get out of bed, I literally am unable to do anything, because I just can’t start and because I feel like a horrible person.

I know, at this point, a lot of people will think “well, just start, pick something up, get up and walk”. If it was this easy, I would have done so a long time ago, but thank you for the tip. I appreciate the thought.

Suffering from anxiety and depression, I have days where I’ll cry from literally anything.
For example, I could literally start crying out of nowhere, even though we’d have a very positive, good conversation. If this happens, I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me.

Anxiety attacks are something I have regularly. It sucks. They come out of nowhere, sometimes without warning. By warning I mean, usually I can feel the anxiety rising and I can start doing things to prevent it from getting out of hand. Other times, it’ll punch me in the face like a door and I’ll be taken by surprise and just have to get through it by waiting for it to pass.

Suffering from depression is like constantly doubting yourself, feeling you’re never good enough, feeling like everything and everyone is always going to be against you.

Although it feels negative a lot of the time, I have several good days. It’s kind of like a rollercoaster, it has it’s extreme ups and it has it’s extreme downs.

I know a lot of people struggle and don’t like talking about mental health. I know.
I have been quiet about it for so long, doubting whether or not I have depression, because family has been calling me lazy for the longest of time(thanks for the support, jeez).

I choose to be open about it, because it NEEDS to be talked about. We NEED to be vocal about mental health. Stop making it such an unatural thing, as if it’s some sort of weird thing that is not right. It IS a natural thing, being sad is just as natural as being happy.
NOT talking about it does NOT help anyone struggling with their mental health.

 

If you struggle with mental health, I am here for you. I think you are amazing, you are more than good enough, in fact, you’re the best. Let’s talk about this.

I love you.

My music – 2017 favourites

I’ve enjoyed writing music posts every week, so I thought why not write a post about some of my absolute favourite songs this year?
I think this post’s title already speaks for itself, so let’s just jump right into the list!
This post has 20 songs, because I couldn’t just write 5 songs that would sum up my entire year of music.
This list is NOT written in the order of biggest favourite to least favourite!

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1. Pitbull, Camila Cabello & J Balvin – Hey Ma(Spanish Version)
I have no idea how many times this song has played this last year, but it’s been a LOT.
I get in such a good mood listening to it, I want to dance, I want to sing, but I also kind of really want to watch Fast&Furious again, haha.
2. Twenty One Pilots – Heathens
I mean, who didn’t listen to this when Suicide Squad was released? I think this is one of the songs that has played the most when I’ve been driving around.

3.  BTS – Blood, Sweat & Tears
Having to narrow down BTS songs this year has been difficult. They’re easily the number 1 artist/group I’ve listened to this year, without a doubt. This song has been in my lists almost all year, so I figured it had to be in this list.

4. Babymetal – Karate
I like a lot of Babymetal’s songs, they’re so much fun to listen to, but I think this has been my favourite song from them this year.

5. Madeon & Porter Robinson – Shelter
I love this song, I love the MV, but it’s so sad I want to cry every time I see it? Haha, it’s so conflicting, but I love it nonetheless.

6. Freddy Kalas – God Sommer
I had to add a Norwegian song to the list, because this artist was at The Gathering this year and I got hooked on a couple of his songs. They’ve been played a lot in the car.

7. WINNER – Island
Winner has been great this year, their songs have gotten way better than before, which is probably why they’re also at the very top of the list of artists/groups I’ve listened to this year.

8. Kygo & Justin Jesso – Stargazing
This was a new find for me this autumn, but it’s played so much I wanted to add it to the list. It’s a pretty song, with a lot of great elements and the vocals are great.

9. Ylvis – Language of Love
Considering how much this has played this year, I HAD to add it. It’s played when I’ve worked on stream stuff, when I’ve been in the car, when I’ve been in the shower, when I’ve made food.., literally everywhere. It’s super funny, weird, but I love it.

10. Jay Park – Me Like Yuh(ft. Hoody)
Jay Park has some great songs, I love dancing along to them and singing along(at least the few parts I remember haha!). I really wanted to add one of his songs, but I struggled quite a bit, because he’s got so many awesome songs.

11. Tobu – Desert Voices
Earlier this year I found this gem of a song, which introduced me to a whole lot of great songs from Tobu. I’m super happy I found it, because there’s some great songs there!

12. NIVIRO – The Ghost
This is a pretty darker song compared to a lot of the previous ones on this list, but it fits me pretty well still. I always used to listen to heavy music, or darker music. I found this by accident while on youtube and BOY am I happy I did!

13. Billy Talent – Red Flag
I couldn’t write this list and NOT put this song here. It’s been playing quite a lot this year, although not for very long at a time, mostly because I’ve forgotten about if for a couple of weeks and then I’ve played it nonstop.

14. Linkin Park – Don’t Stay
You’d think I’d be putting my favourite song from an artist in the list, right? Well, apparently that’s not the case with Linkin Park. My favourite from them is “Somewhere I belong”, but this song has played a whole lot more than my actual favourite. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m a huge LP fan and I listen to almost all their songs as it is, this one has just played a bit more than the rest this year.

15. P!nk – What About Us
I always liked P!nk’s music, but her latest songs have been UH-MAZING. Very full of emotion, but still amazing beats that makes you want to dance!

16. Marilyn Manson – The Fight Song
I actually wanted to put “The Bright Young Things” here, but I realised I actually listened more to Fight song, so I decided to put this here instead. I enjoy Marilyn Manson’s music a lot and have been a fan of his music for a while.

17. Red Velvet – Peek-A-Boo
I’ve been enjoying this song pretty much since it was released. Although I have several kpop girl group songs in my playlist, I usually skip them more than I listen to them, but this one has been playing every time it’s started.

18. BTS – Go Go
So when I thought I’d only put one song from an artist/group on this list, I was obviously lying. I couldn’t not add this to the list(although I basically wanted to add ALL of BTS’s songs haha). It’s so much fun!

19. Jason Derulo – Pull Up
It was between “Pull Up” and “Get Ugly”, but I decided with Pull Up, because the melody is super fun. SKRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

20. Kim Chung Ha – Why Don’t You Know(ft. Nucksal)
Another great song to dance and sing along to. Even though this wasn’t actually released during summer, it’s probably one of my top summer songs this year.
I didn’t realise Chungha’s voice was this great until she released this song.
Plus she looks great in the MV AND she’s an amazing dancer.

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So there you have it, my top 20 songs from this year!

Although there’s a whole lot of artists and songs I’d like to put in the list, I didn’t want to go overboard and write 100 songs(because let’s face it, that wouldn’t be enough either).

I look forward to writing more music posts this coming year and I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them!

First year of being a Twitch streamer

I’ve been wanting to write a post about my first year of being a Twitch streamer, because I love reading about other peoples experiences, and I would totally like to be able to go back to this post in a year, maybe even in 5 years, and be able to see if things has changed or if something new has happened.

THIS IS A LONG POST, JUST FYI!

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When did I start streaming? September 27th 2016.

What did I play? Animal Crossing: New Leaf.

I had been wanting to stream for a long time, honestly, but I never had the courage to do so, because it seemed so stressful and it made me feel nervous about it.

I wanted to stream 3ds games, because that’s the console I used the most. So I saved up for quite a long time to be able to order a Katsukity capture card + a 3ds.
It arrived pretty fast, so I could start streaming a whole lot faster than I thought I would.

Mario helped me put together a “decent” looking layout, which was very nice of him.

I didn’t stream as much as I wanted to in 2016, but I started streaming more again in January 2017 and you guys were so supportive and caring and helpful, so it was easier to stream, I felt less nervous about being gone for a while.

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During my earlier streams, there were several other streamers hosting me.
People I didn’t know at the time, so I was really surprised, because why would someone who doesn’t know me, host me all of a sudden?

I’m really happy they did though, because that got me several other streamers and viewers that I consider some of my better friends now.

It also made me look into other Animal Crossing streamers and start to host other people myself.

I didn’t host anyone at the start of my Twitch “career”, because I felt it would be weird having a total stranger, a totally new name and face host you all of a sudden.
Now I realise it’s one way of expanding your network, getting new friends, taking chances. It’s part of Twitch, basically.

The streamers who hosted me way back in September/October last year are people I still support, streamers I enjoy hanging out with every time they’re streaming and also chat with off stream(although I’m trying to get better at that last part, because guuuuuurrlll, you need to work on being social!).
They also motivate me a lot, because seeing them stream regularly, doing fun stuff with their community(which I’m so lucky to be a part of!), and work hard on their stream, makes me want to work equally as hard with my own stream.

Earlier this year, I compared my numbers to their numbers a lot, which demotivated me at the time, because their numbers were higher than mine. It was pretty silly, honestly, because I didn’t work as hard, or had a proper schedule like they did.
Now I compare my stream stats to the goals I have for my stream. It’s less stressful, and it makes me think of how I can improve to get better stats and if I hit a stream goal of mine, I think of what I can add as a new goal.

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I had big expectations and goals when I thought of starting to stream, but before I started, I decided to set “small” goals for myself. I’m using “‘s, because those goals were big for me.

I wanted to have 100 followers after a year of streaming, and 5 regular viewers.

Doesn’t sound like it would be so impossible, right? There’s several streamers who struggle to hit those goals after streaming for a whole lot longer than me.

I can proudly say I’ve definitely managed to have both goals happen.
There’s over 500 of you guys following my stream, and I have a lot of people come back and say hi from time to time, and a lot of people who stick in my channel every stream.

I feel really honored, lucky and loved because of you guys.

I was hoping I’d get to meet a lot of new people when I started streaming, but I didn’t know what I was getting myself into.
I didn’t know I’d feel loved by people all over the world, I didn’t know I’d meet people on Twitch that I, today, don’t think I could be without, because of the immense support you guys give me.

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After a year, I’ve seen changes with myself;

I have a way better layout now than I did a year ago.
I taught myself how to use Photoshop to make a layout, because I figured the only one who will really, truly understand what I want as a layout, is me.

I’ve learned to play games the way I want to play them, and I know that sounds really silly, but stuff like a lot of other streamers do in ACNL, I don’t feel comfortable doing.
I’m not a big multiplayer person, I prefer doing things on my own, but I still enjoy doing some sort of multiplayer at times. For example visiting dream addresses, giving people things in ACNL etc, where I can go to YOUR town and drop things of, and then quit is great.

I’ve kind of gotten to know myself a little better after streaming for a year.
I’ve set goals for myself, I have dreams I want to achieve, I have something I really want to work for.

Twitch makes me incredibly happy, it also makes me feel humbled, because I can stream and have fantastic people hang out with me and enjoy my content.

 

Thank you all for sticking with me during my first year on Twitch.
Here’s to more years to come, where we can expand our Land of Noots, community and stream!

9xs-9Rb4

500 followers!?

I had a goal when I started streaming after my break this summer, and that goal was to try and reach 500 followers before my birthday, which was on September 7th.

I managed to reach that goal on September 6th, thanks to you guys.

There were so many hosts, tons of bits flying around, subscribers and all of a sudden.., we had follower number 500.

I barely slept that night and managed to oversleep and also get to school late(it went alright, didn’t get any absence or anything from my teacher).

I’m overwhelmed by all the love and support in our community. It’s amazing, and I love it and I love you guys.

When I started streaming I had big dreams and ideas of what I wanted to do with my stream, but now that’s it’s almost been a year, a lot of that has changed, and I’m more insecure about the stream and I’m not entirely sure where we’re going.
I’ve learned quite a lot this past year when it comes to streaming, and I can’t wait to learn more in the years to come.

I wanted to get partnered soon, but I’ve learned that partnership is a dream for the future, and right now all I want to do, is have fun with you guys. Whether it’s raging because annoying villagers ruin our path in our ACNL towns, raging because I can’t hit all the notes in Stepmania or just enjoying Stardew Valley(to name a few games).

I have a giveaway in the making for the 500 follower goal. When it’s going to be, I can’t say, and I don’t want to promise a giveaway that I have not yet planned 100%.

I want to be able to have as many of the streams followers be able to enter, because I think it’s only fair more people get a chance to enter.
When I’ve planned it out properly, I’ll get back to it and let you guys know about it!

Anyway, I want to thank you all again from the bottom of my heart, I can’t wait to have more streams with you guys and have fun and laugh and just have a great time.

 

Twitch affiliate, what!?

So it’s been a few hours now since I found out I’ve got an invite to the Twitch Affiliate program.

My first reactions were;
“what is this?”, “oh. my. gosh.”, “wait what?”, “OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH”, “wait is this real? What is my life?”, and then when it dawned on me, there were lots of happy tears.
Now I’m feeling slightly numb, really happy, and happy tears are on the roll every once in a while.

I’m sure there’ll be people who will say that it’s just bits etc, but it’s so much more for me.
It’s giving me the feeling I achieved something, I’ve done this thing, but at the same time, I honestly didn’t do anything. I’ve only sat here in my house, playing games I love.

This is all your doing, everyone. You’re the ones who got the twitch affiliate for the stream, by coming to the stream, hanging out, chatting, lurking. I love each and every one of you, it doesn’t matter if you chat or not.

Thank you so much everyone for making this a thing. I guess we definitely need to get to working on that emoji we’ll be able to get eventually! So much hype! HYPU!

Celebration stream for 250followers/6months of streaming

cropped-wowscrnshot_033017_1237031.jpgThanks for hanging out with me yesterday!

We celebrated reaching 250 followers and 6 months since I first streamed(first stream was on September 27th 2016!). I had a lot of fun and I hope you did too!

The stream wasn’t very long, but we finally started RV visits and you guys have finally been able to come visit Paradise! That’s pretty exciting, don’t you think?

I’ve sent messages to the five lucky winners who won the giveaway yesterday, so I’m looking forward to getting replies from all of them, so I can get them the prizes they’ve won!

 

Our next goal is at 500 followers, and I’m working on putting together a nice giveaway for that too!

Again, thanks so much for hanging out during stream and for sticking around. I appreciate each and every one of you! ❤